Really?

So my 13 month old's ANC (absolute Neutrophil Count) has dropped below 500 again, causing her to be severely neutropenic.  This means her white blood cells cannot fight off infection.  It's caused by an antibody her body is making that's killing her WBCs.  I am so tired of all of this.  The labs, the pokes. the waiting.  I live in constant fear that someone will touch her while we are out in town and get her sick.  Really?  Yes, people try to touch her all the time.  Get your freaking hands off of my child.  Don't people have boundaries anymore?  Do you really know where your hands have been?  When was the last time you washed them?  It's disgusting.  Then I have to take my 5 year old to school and risk even more possible infection because all kids seem to love babies.  When did it become socially acceptable to touch babies so much?

I remember when my most prominent thought while leaving the house was did I get me phone, keys, diapers?  Now it's, do I have enough sanitizer?  Do I have the carrier sling so she doesn't have to ride in the stroller?  I have become a blocker for my baby.  On instinct when someone gets too close I immediately grab her hands so they cannot touch them.  Most of the time it works, but sometimes they grab her feet.  Really?  She still puts those in her mouth!  I also have to be aware of how much sanitizer I use on her because of the alcohol levels.

I don't even want to take my 5 year old to school.  I don't want to go anywhere near it!  She's too young to go by herself.

If she gets sick again while her ANC is so low we may have to be hospitalized again.  Like the last time I'd end up sleeping in her crib with her which does wonders for my back.

My husband is on the ship (Navy) most of the time.  Alone again...  I am sick of worrying.  Sick of it all.  I am done with the added stress.  I actually forgot to eat twice yesterday because I was so stressed I just was not hungry.  I am tired of hospitals.  Just tired.  I constantly check her to see if she has a fever.  When will this end?

The next step is steroids.  Hopefully they will work.  We went yesterday to pick them up from the Naval Pharmacy... after waiting for 1.5 hours, I bothered them enough to tell me they thought the dose was too high and had a call out to the Doctor... who had already gone home for the day.  Really?  So I sat in a room full of sick people with my kids just for you to f&*^ around?  I was there for over 2 hours before I said screw it and went home.  I really hope the Doctor will just call them in to a CVS today.

I'm just.... done.