Sometimes it's difficult to get out of my funk. I just seem to be on autopilot these days. I'm there, without being fully aware. When I am aware I am nervous, jittery and agitated. I feel like my skin can barely contain myself. I am motivated, but only after I leave the house. It's the getting to go part that bothers me. I'm usually a clean person, house wise. Showering and getting ready for my day are not difficult tasks, although I do have to get up at 4AM to get that done. I just don't feel like I'm me. What state is that anyway?
A lot is going on lately. I'm a Navy wife, so he is in and out a lot, mostly out though, gone. Leaving me with 2 kids, one 5 and one 13 months. Getting the oldest to school is easy enough, it's the other one that stresses me. We have recently had a large health scare, she is Neutropenic. That means her body has issues fighting off infection. She has an antibody cruising around her little body attacking her own white blood cells, causing her body to lose any infection it may be battling at the time. Other genetic testing has been sent, but no results yet. She is nursing. 13 months and I only wanted to do 6. Now they say I cannot quit since my antibodies/immunities are the only things fighting for her. She was hospitalized. Bone Marrow Biopsy and a Lumbar Puncture. Both were negative, but have you ever seen your baby go under anesthesia? That's the scariest thing in the world. Her body went limp while her eyes rolled back in her little head. I cannot describe the inner battle I had with myself just to leave her side so the Docs could work. Blood test after blood test for this little one, and I get to be the one holding her down for every poke. I have also had to give her injections (at home) to make her Marrow push out the mature white blood cells to raise her neutrophil levels. (Those are the part of the white blood cells (wbc) that fight the infection.) We've also had tubes put into her ears to decrease ear infections. That was another round of anesthesia. It seems my life revolves around Doctors. I haven't even mentioned my own issues!
I have a cracked l5-s1 that's almost a herniation. Also a fragment has broken off of my t12-l1 and is just floating around causing trouble. Add in some sciatic pain and I have quite the predicament. Narcotics help, but only for a little while, then I have to increase the dose, more and more and more. I only take them when I truly need to, like after a solid week in a crib with my daughter at the hospital. I think I like narcs too much, which is scary. If I have them, I'm almost compelled to take them. My mother was addicted to them, so I'm afraid I have that nasty bit in common with her. I try not to keep them around, or if I do have them and feel myself slipping, I flush them. That way I have to wait it out until I see my Doctor again.
It's irritating, everything. I just don't feel like me. I need something, something is missing and I can't figure it out. I'm stressed to the max. Maybe if the other half was home more... Loneliness, that's what it is. Maybe I need social interaction? My family is about 1000 miles away. Military life is... lonely. Having kids makes it harder to get out and do anything. Being paranoid that my youngest will get sick from some other kid or sitter surely doesn't help.
Where am I?
Is this depression or a lack of motivation?
I often ask myself the same question. I don't know. Maybe its just life. I am lonely a lot too. My husband is not in military, but he works construction. And often out of town for months. Even when he is here, he works days, and I work nights. That way we don't have to pay for daycare. I see him two evenings a week, if we don't have church or NA to go to. It's a never ending battle it seems. Hey, at least your house is clean! Lol
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